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Loss

April 2, 2014

So according to my stats here on this blog, I have like negative readers, but that’s ok, because this blog post is more for me than anyone else.  This story may not be super nice to read and it certainly isn’t going to be easy for me to type out, but this blog post has been trying to get out for some time and I’m finally ready to let it go.

 

Let’s start way, way back (like a whole 2 years ago, haha) I had a boring job that paid the bills with a large insurance company.  It’s not something that I ever wanted to do. but it paid the bills and for the most part, I liked the people I was working with.  Then after months of speculation and worry, I was laid off!  My job was outsourced to someone in India, and at first, I was super upset  I felt like the floor had fallen out from under me.  I felt like my family had finally started to make some progress on our dream of owning a house and then we were set back 3 steps.  Luckily though, we already lived with my in laws and they were super helpful.  Because my job was outsourced, I qualified for a government grant to help me go back to school to obtain training in another field.  I had always enjoy the random medical training I received when I was a dive master so I figured I had nothing to loose and applied at the local community college for the registered medical assistant program.

 

I got accepted!  Woohoo, I was so elated. I was positive this was going to be the change that I needed.  I went through the program with little problem, I was one of the top students in class and scored an amazing externship with a local hospital in their OB/GYN office, my dream placement!

 

The first day I went to my externship was such an eye opener for me.  Three patients had miscarriages that day, I went home and cried.  I was so upset for those poor women.  The week went about the same, a few patients a day either were in the process of having a miscarriage or were being seen as a follow up to a previous miscarriage.  I was sad for the patients and I remember emailing my medical assistant instructor and just letting her know what was going on.  She was so supportive and just gave me some encouraging words and let me know that it was more common than I thought.

 

I didn’t think I was being naive, I mean I remember hearing hushed whispers of family members or friends having miscarriages, and I belong to an online community of women and there were a number of ladies who had miscarriages on the site, but it wasn’t something people really talked about.

 

Fast forward a few months and my husband and I were ecstatic to tell our families that we were expecting a second child, due in August.  We told them by giving our 3 year old daughter a shirt that read “Big Sister” on Christmas morning.  We got the whole thing on video, it was amazing.

 

This pregnancy was much different already than my first.  I felt light headed almost all the time, I had super smelling powers and just felt strangely off for the first few weeks.  And then slowly, I started feeling better.  Every day brought less and less pregnancy symptoms.  In my brain I knew what was going on and started to research symptoms of miscarriages.  Then the spotting happened.  I called my OB and they told me they were sorry but there was nothing they could do for me, they offered to send me for blood work to see where my numbers were and I gladly accepted.  I knew what was going on by the time the spotting turned into full bleeding and the cramps kicked in.  I was having a miscarriage, the three days of blood work confirmed it.  I was seven and a half weeks pregnant.

 

I know, to some that seems like no time at all, but if you’ve ever expected a child, you know how much your heart can grow to love that  child in such a short amount of time.  My husband came with me to the doctor’s office where they confirmed my Beta numbers were so low, too low to indicate a normal developing pregnancy.  The medical training I received just a year before kicked in and I asked all the appropriate questions and completely understood what the doctor was saying, partially because I had been on the other side of the  conversation so many times, but then my heart broke into a million pieces.

 

I cried.  A lot!  I barely made it out of bed for those first couple of days.  I watched a lot of crappy tv and read stupid books.  I completely withdrew from my husband and daughter.  I just wanted to be left alone and not at the same time.  I wanted the world to know what was happening.  I wanted everyone to know why I was acting so different, but really, how do you work “I just had miscarriage” into a conversation?

 

Then my husband got the flu and I was forced to get out of bed in order to take care of my daughter.  The friends and family that knew what was going on started to slow with their “just checking in” texts and I felt like I was going crazy.  I was still crazy upset and felt like everyone else was just going on with their lives and I was stuck grieving the loss of a child.

 

That’s when I started doing some research.  I knew of a few people personally who had a miscarriage, and there were all those patients from months earlier, but really how common could it be?  My OB said that as many as 25% of all pregnancies end in loss, and that percentage goes up with maternal age.  But how is that number so high if we hardly ever talk or hear about this?  I think it’s partly because no one really wants to talk about it.  My husband and I have a friend who is so emotionally supportive and he had no words, he’s never even mentioned it to me.  My own father had to send me a text to tell me how he felt, but that was at least he was talking about it.  I was really upset by how other people were responding, but really, everyone goes through grief or sorrow in their own way, and sometimes, there just aren’t the right words.

 

I felt like I was going to drown in sorrow and be sad forever, until one day, I just wasn’t sad anymore.  It does get better, but if you don’t feel like it’s getting any better, you need to see your doctor.

 

So, that’s my story, I wanted to put this out there in case anyone is doing late night internet searching and finds this.  I feel like the only way to break the taboo is to talk about pregnancy loss.  If you want people to know, then tell them.  Be kind to yourself, this is a club that no one wants to be a part of.

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Dada

October 10, 2013

 

 

 

You know you’re a Dada when…

 

Izzy and Dada-1

 

Your pockets are filled with a Glowie and a Tinkerbell doll.  Love these two!

Thank you lady at the doctor’s office!

April 9, 2013

I’m not going to try and give some lame excuse why I haven’t been blogging, life is busy!  N and I are back in school full time, I’m still trying to build my business and umm, hello, Iz is almost three and ALWAYS on the move.  So I guess that was kind of a lame excuse, oh well…

Small backstory here, we noticed that Iz was stuttering a little and it wasn’t really bad so we chalked it up to just a normal developmental thing that she was going through.  That was the case until recently when she was stuttering so often that she could barely get through a single sentence without a stutter and it really seemed to bother her.  We brought it up to her pediatrician and got a referral to specialists.

N, Iz and I were waiting in the doctor’s waiting room today when a mother around my age walked in with two little boys.  One was a little older than Iz and one was younger.  The mother and I exchanged a quick smile and went about paying attention to our children.  Her boys approached the toys where Iz was playing and attempted to play with her.

The younger boy started making a growling noise and his older brother repeated it.

That was all it took to upset Iz.  You see, she is SUPER sensitive to noise now.  They are thinking it has to do with her chronic ear infections when she was younger.  Her hearing is great, but she just gets easily overwhelmed with loud sounds.  We still talk about the smoke detector incident that happened almost a year ago!

When Iz ran to N with her hands over her ears and hid in his lap, the boy’s mother asked if the boys upset her.  I explained that she is really sensitive to loud noises.  She kinda smiled and nodded her head.  Her boys continued to play and Iz eventually joined them at the train table.  What happened next is what I am so surprised at.

The older boy was building a tower, as most kids do, he was getting ready to have it crash to the table.  The other mother saw it start to wobble and came over to talk to her son.  She got down on his level and told him to make sure not to let the block tower fall over.  She explained to him that Iz has sensitive ears and that the loud noise of the crashing blocks would really upset her.

She explained to her son that my daughter has sensitive ears!  This person that I have never met, looked out for my daughter.  This is a huge deal to me.  I have friends that have seen Iz react to loud noises and make a snarky face or comment about her reaction as it is a little out of the ordinary and this woman that I have never met, explained to her boys about my daughter’s ears.

I thanked her but I feel like I should have asked her to be my new BFF.

Iz and Dada reading in the dark

2012 in review

December 30, 2012

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The new Boeing 787 Dreamliner can carry about 250 passengers. This blog was viewed about 860 times in 2012. If it were a Dreamliner, it would take about 3 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Things I don’t want to forget

September 1, 2012

I had this long beautiful blog post written out in my head about how happy I am in the moment with Iz even when it’s a bad night and I have to wake up early and snuggle her, and then a double ear infection, nasty case of swimmer’s ear and subsequent weight loss for Iz struck.  My mind is now mush, but there are a few things that I don’t want to forget.

*Iz is deathly afraid of the smoke alarms.  We found out the hard way.  I’m thinking she will need therapy for it (no, I’m not even kidding)

*Iz still calls popsicles, papa-sicles, it’s super cute.

*She is fluctuating in her weight between the 5th and 15th%, she is a skinny minnie and we are going to the Dr. about once a month for weight checks to make sure she doesn’t continue to lose weight.  We are OK with her just being small, that seems to be what her body wants to do, but we don’t like to see her losing weight.

*She is VERY soft-spoken until you really get to know her, and then she talks ALL the time.

*Iz loves to compare what people have similar to her family members “Lady has boobies like Mama has boobies” is what she told me today. Love it!

*She’s sleeping about 12 hours a night, goes down around 9:30pm and wakes up around 9:30am.  She is taking about a 2 hour nap still around 2pm.  She has really turned into a great sleeper.

*She loves to play outside, the more outside time the better.  She loves to run, slide, ride bikes but her favorite has to be playing in the water.  Anything to do with water and she’s there.

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I really didn’t think I would get here

August 6, 2012

This morning as I was laying in bed, I grabbed my phone and started checking Facebook like I do most mornings.  Iz was still asleep so I had a few minutes.  My former co-workers were complaining about it being Monday and having to take phone calls, like most Mondays.  I would have been right there with them cursing certain customers for asking dumb questions or just making my Monday morning crappy.

 

Our morning progressed and we decided to go on a family bike ride.  As I was riding I realized it was Monday.  I mean, I knew it was Monday, but it was MONDAY and I wasn’t in a panic because it was Monday.  In fact, I can’t remember the last Sunday night where I was so dreading work on Monday that I gave myself a stomach ache.  

 

On that day back in February when I cried so hard at work because I got laid off, I really couldn’t see the bright side.  Plenty of people told me that when one door closes, another one opens and being laid off was the push I needed to find the real me, but I could not see that.  I still couldn’t see it in May when I was stressed over my upcoming Bio class and still dealing with the Dept. of Labor on an almost daily basis, and I certainly couldn’t see it in June or July when I reached an all time high in stress.  But for some reason, I saw it today.  Out there riding behind N and Iz on the trail, everything was calm and peaceful, I found my open door and my silver lining.

 

Just when I didn’t think I would get there. 

Izzy’s 2 year photo shoot!

July 17, 2012

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Nick and I drove up to Mt. Greylock in MA just for this shoot.  She had so much fun and she’s still talking about how she climbed a mountain and had balloons and got to wear her “pretty skirt.”  I love this little girl more and more each day.

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I wonder what she’s thinking about in this picture.  She looks so serious.

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Yes, she has added to her Glowy collection.  These are just the two that she carries with her all the time, she has 4 total.