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Day 4!

June 9, 2010

Day 4, I say it to myself out loud at least once a day.  I say it when no one else is listening.  I don’t know why I feel the need to say it but it just comes out everyday.  This blog post has been written and rewritten in my head about a million times and I just couldn’t bring myself to actually get it out.  I honestly thought I was prepared for how difficult parenting could be before Beanie was born but day 4 kicked my ass.

We had come home from the hospital on Tuesday and things were ok.  Bella seemed to want to nurse all the time and my nipples were so sore from being sucked on for hours straight.

N’s mom came to stay the night with us as N was going back to work the next day.  I think N calculated that during our 5 days in the hospital, he got something like 14 hours of sleep.

Begin day 4.  N goes off to work.  N’s mom is home with me.  Which is great, I love my MIL (mother in law) but it’s not how I pictured our homecoming to be.  (Again with the thoughts of what was supposed to be vs. reality)  I had thought that N would be able to stay home with me for a little longer and we could get a family routine going, instead, I felt like I was being babysat because I was incapable for caring for my own daughter (which in hindsight, I wasn’t capable, I shouldn’t have left the hospital!)

Bella is nursing for almost 2 hours at a time now and then screaming in between feedings.  She would latch and suck for about 30 seconds and then fall asleep.  I was a basket case.  I could not stop crying.  I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up and deal with everything but I couldn’t as I needed to feed Bella so often.  At this point, N’s aunt (who is a nurse) came over to help our N’s mom.  N was smart enough to call in the reinforcements because every time he called, I was sobbing.

I honestly sobbed the entire day.  About what you ask?  About the fact that I had to have a C-Section.  About the fact that I have these gigantic boobs and they didn’t even seem to be working.  About 10 years ago, I wanted a breast reduction but stopped myself mostly so I could try to nurse any children.  I cried because I needed adults to be home with me when I was supposed to be the one caring for my child.  I cried because N’ aunt asked if she could bring Bella in to eat as she was crying (still!) and I just wanted to say no.  I cried because I missing N (seriously, it felt like he was gone forever)  I cried because I felt like my entire family had just seen my boobs and I am an insanely private person.

N finally came home and saw what a terrible state I was in and just started making decisions for us all.  We decided to give B a bottle of formula to she wouldn’t go hungry as she was refusing to suck when she was on my boob.  We were going to have me pump and give her my breastmilk out of a bottle and supplement with formula.  We were going to have N’s mom stay until the end of the week so N could catch up on his sleep and she could help me during the day (did I mention the major side effect from being severely anemic is extreme fatigue? seriously, sometimes this whole story is funny, like seriously?!?)

Writing that last part out seems like no big deal but I felt like a failure as a mother because I was not able to feed my daughter from my breast like nature intended as my nipple was too big for her mouth.  Why did the first week of my daughter’s life have to be so difficult on me?  I felt like I was going crazy.  Everyone around us was so happy and joyous and I was miserable.  I was making decisions that I didn’t want to and all I could think about was that I should be happy that I had a healthy baby girl and I still had my uterus.  I should have felt great to have so many family member willing to help us out and all I could think of was why couldn’t I do it myself?

Day 4 has been the most difficult day of my life so far.  I never knew I could get so low.  That is most likely why I repeat DAY 4 to myself.  Things can only go up from 4.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Bella's Gramma permalink
    June 9, 2010 12:39 pm

    Now, Beth, Day 4 came and is now gone forever and you knwo what? You, N, & baby survived it! Day 4 just made you that much more a better mommy for B! Day 4 yes, may have been your lowest of lowest, but Day 4 proved that you and N knew what you both needed to do for B to keep her healthy! If it not have been for Day 4, you and N couldn’t have formed such an unbreakable bond regarding your daughter, you daughter created through the love you and N have for one another! So, as time goes by, Day 4 will become a totally different memory for you, I hope! I am so very proud of you and N for the way the two of you are such a team and how much the two of you love your baby B!

  2. Sandy K permalink
    June 14, 2010 7:59 pm

    Beth, I am so proud of you for trying to put into words such a difficult period of time; the fact is that everything you were feeling made such sense on one level (emotional), but you were so exhausted, disappointed on some levels, and hormonal – and sore(!) that you had no real choice about crying. Thank God Melissa was able to help put this breast-feeding thing into perspective! Bella is a beautiful, healthy baby and you are a wonderful mother just finding your way to become more confident about your new mama-role 🙂

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