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August 3, 2010

Before I got pregnant, I thought breastfeeding was gross and I hated seeing women in public feeding their children that way.  I often made comments how nasty it was and wished they would cover up.  I had no intention of breastfeeding children of my own because I couldn’t get over myself.

Fast forward to when I was pregnant.  N convinced me to at least try it because we had both read the statistics stating that breastmilk was best for babies and I felt like a schmuck not giving my child every advantage I could.  I made a promise to myself that if it didn’t work out or I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t be too hard on myself, at least I had tried.

Fast forward again to when Bella refused to latch anymore and I had to feed from a bottle and supplement with formula.  I was a crying, freaking out mess!  What the hell happened?  If I have learned one thing so far about being a mommy, it’s be ready for change.

I have now been pumping breastmilk for Bella since we first came home from the hospital, so 11 weeks.  I will not lie, it’s been very challenging to say the least.  If I had just decided to stop when she wouldn’t latch, then I would have been able to sleep more, I wouldn’t be on this diet that restricts what I’m eating and I certainly wouldn’t be using my lunch time everyday at work to sit by myself in a little room while a little machine sucks on my boobies to get that liquid gold!

So you ask, if it’s so terrible, why don’t I just stop?  I have no idea.  I had no idea that I would have such a strong emotional bond with giving my daughter my milk.  I can now completely understand why women breastfeed their children for as long as some do (with the exception of those creepy people that go past 5 or so, but to each her own really)  N and I have been talking about me stopping the pumping and he basically says that I can go for as long I want and I’m so torn over what to do.  I am hard core craving taco salads and pizza with loads of cheese on it but I know in my head that I have many years ahead of me to eat whatever I want but I have such a limited time with my Bella Bean been so little and needing me so much.  Even though my milk is not sucked out of my by her, I still have such an emotional attachment to giving her something from me and I’m not ready to give up on that.  I love this little Bean with all of my heart and I want to do everything right by her even if it means something that I once thought was pretty creepy.

Bella lesson #1.  Be prepared for change.

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