some hard decisions

Bella Bean is 3 months old today!  I am so in love with this little girl and that’s why the recent decision I’ve made was so tough for me.  I’ve decided to stop pumping.  There were many small factors that led to my decision but one major one.

I wasn’t getting enough sleep.

I know all new parents complain about the lack of sleep and N and I are in the same boat.  The only problem is that I have a little bit of a sleep problem.  When I am overtired or stressed, I can eat, walk, talk or just act out in my sleep.  N used to find me sitting on the floor of his dorm room eating cookies in my sleep.  Before Bella, it was just a funny little quirk that wouldn’t really bother anyone because what I was doing wasn’t really dangerous (with the exception of the 2 times I fell out of bed in college!) but since Baby Lady has joined us, this little sleep problem has taken a turn for the worse.

Have I mentioned I’m anemic?  Remember the whole birth story and the blood transfusion? Well, one of the side effects of anemia is fatigue, well, wouldn’t you know, being a new mom also causes fatigue.  And stress.  Add those together and you get one very tired Beth.  So tired that I don’t remember going into Bella’s room the other night, picking her up from her crib and bringing her back into bed with me.  I woke up when she was about to fall off the bed and out of my arms.  She wasn’t hurt at all but it scared me.  It really scared me when the next night, N tried to let me sleep some more and just needed me to hold B while he went downstairs to make her bottle, I couldn’t even figure out what he wanted and I could barely keep Bella in my arms I was so out of it.  The worst part about this is that I, most of the time don’t even have a memory of the night’s events (again, way funny in college when I would say some funny stuff, not so funny when I’m carrying my daughter around in my sleep.)

So I have made the very tough decision to stop pumping in hopes of letting my body finally heal without having to tax it to make breast milk and hopefully get a little bit more sleep so I can be a better mommy.  I’ve been wrestling with quitting pumping for a while now and I always came back to the fact that my creature comforts were not as important as Bella getting my milk but now that there is a safety issue involved, it was an easy decision.  I would never want to do anything to harm my Baby Lady.

That’s it, I will be stepping down my pumping slowly as to try and avoid clogged ducts or an infection but I should be done pumping by the beginning of September.  I am sad about it but I am at peace with my decision and N fully supports it.