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Is it me?

August 29, 2010

Since going back to work, I barely think about Isabella’s birth.  I am far too busy during the day thinking of the other million things that need to get done to dwell on such a strangely sad yet happy time but there are other times like now where it’s 4:30 am and I’m staring at the video monitor and the events of those few days just keep playing over and over again in my mind.  I just keep coming back to the same question: Is it me?  Did I do something wrong to wind up with the birth that I did?

I have been trying to write out the second half of my birth story since Bella was born and for some strange reason I just can’t bring myself to take the time to put the words down.  I think about those days following her birth pretty often (we have a lot of late night/early mornings with Bella) but I still can’t wrap my head around it completely.  I know logically that there was nothing I could have done to make Bella come out vaginally because my pelvic area was too small but I can’t help but feel emotionally that I did something wrong.

I can honestly say that it’s these feelings that have me very nervous about the future of children for me and N.  He is an only child and I come from a family of 3 and we’ve both agreed that we wanted to have 2 children.  After Bella’s birth, I’m so scared to admit that I’m not sure I’m willing to go through that experience again.  I’m not sure I’m willing to put my body through that hell again.  I would go through that experience 1000 times more for my little girl, but I’m not sure that the NEED to do it again is there.  I know that B is still so young and we have a ton of time to figure out what our next steps will be for our family, but it’s moments like this when the house is quiet and my mind is racing that I think of these things.

It’s also these feelings that have me in a constant state of fear that something bad will happen to Beanie.  I look up statistics for SIDS (she’s now sleeping on her stomach and I’m terrified), I constantly check to make sure her carseat is latched, I am always worried about her tummy issues (is she pooping enough, not pooping enough, pooping too much, how much spit up is normal?) and I just wonder where the calm and collected Beth went to?  Is this the new me?  I really am starting to miss the calmer version of me and I’m sure N is as well.  At what point do you call it and realize that you may need to speak with a professional about what’s going on?  Why is there such a stigma over speaking with a therapist?  I know that I don’t have PPD and my baby blues are pretty much gone but I have this major traumatic event that is affecting me and I don’t like it.

Does stressing over everything subside with more sleep?

One Comment leave one →
  1. August 29, 2010 10:31 pm

    I think you and N are doing a great job with your daughter.

    If it eases your mind in any way, when my niece M came home from the hospital, she would only sleep on her stomach, I know that my brother & his wife tried back sleeping & even side sleeping to no luck. M preferred the security of sleeping on her tummy I think- she felt more secure. I know the many times that she had sleepovers at my house in the first 6 months, I always made sure to check on her several times a night, just to make sure she was ok. Never any problems. At 3 & 1/2 she still prefers to do her sleeping on her stomach.

    When you have days that you doubt yourself, just remember that you can do it.

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