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Conflicted

January 7, 2012

I’m not going to give you (all 3 of you readers that I probably have left) some lame excuse why I haven’t posted in two months, I just haven’t.  Life got hella busy and blogging, while it helps me get my thoughts in order, fell to the bottom of the list with exercising, eating correctly, and keeping my room clean.  Oh well…

So the other day at work, I had this sudden urge to just download all my thoughts into the blog.  I wish I could do that, just one quick brain dump and all my thoughts are down and neatly organized because they sure as hell aren’t organized in my brain.  I have started and stopped a post about possible baby #2 about 5 times now and each time, I just hit delete because I can’t seem to get my thoughts to sound good enough.  Since Baby Lady was born, I’ve been scared to birth another baby but the desire to parent another child was strong.  N and I would go back and forth about adoption possibilities and what that would like financially and also emotionally.  N has a lot of reserves about adoption and I’m ready to jump head first into the process.

I saw the Dr. on Wednesday and she said that while I am at a higher risk for an uterine hemorrhage because I’ve already had one, it’s not likely that I will have one because they would take precautions and my birth with Baby Lady should not prevent me from having more children.  I left the appointment ecstatic and couldn’t wait to share the news with N.  He was excited that I got some good news at the Dr but he wasn’t jump up and down excited like I was.  That took some of the wind out of my sail.  I know that now is not the right time to even be thinking about baby #2 but that’s all that I can think about lately.

Do we adopt?  How would the rest of the family treat that child?  It makes my skin crawl when people distinguish between adoptive children and biological children like “here is Hank, Willy and our adopted daughter Sarah.”  (names have been changed to protect the guilty)  And probably my biggest fear, would the child ever feel like I wasn’t enough of a mother that they needed to find their bio mother?

God, why does this choice have to be so rough?  And why am I agonizing over something that is still months, if not a year away?!?

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. manda72004 permalink
    January 7, 2012 11:41 pm

    How strange is it that I just had the urge to come check your blog?? And just so you know, I would love any of your children as my own flesh and blood, even if they came from Mars. 🙂

  2. Gramma S permalink
    January 10, 2012 10:27 am

    You and N are wonderful parents and it doesn’t matter if you adopt your next child or give birth to the baby, we will LOVE your baby unconditionally!!!

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